Secret Keeper Girl

Originally Posted May 10th, by Dannah Gresh, Creator of Secret Keeper Girl

I’ve built twelve years of ministry on many things. One of them is this: always stay positive. Instead of boycotting sexual clothing, I staged a 28,000-mom thank you for those who provide age-appropriate clothing. When Carrie Prejean was attacked for defending one-woman/one-man marriage in a bikini, I took a controversial stance and defended her…and suggested some public forgiveness for the immodesty! I like to stay positive, and that is why what I’m writing today is painful. I can’t find a way to be as positive as I’d like.

Perhaps you’ve seen Miley Cyrus’ new video, Can’t Be Tamed. (Sigh.) I wish I could have coffee with Tish Cyrus and ask her what’s really going on in her daughter’s heart. I can’t do that. I’m not connected enough. Not to her. But I am connected closely to many of her daughter’s fans (including two that have grown up in my own house). Through the years, I’ve stayed positive and placed a lot of hope in this family. I’ve prayed a lot of prayers. I offered positive thoughts about Miley when my readers asked, and encouraged forgiveness and a lot of second chances when I couldn’t be outright positive. But now I’m faced with a dilemna: Miley has just figuratively run across an eight-lane highway, and I know there are a lot of little girls who will follow her if I’m not strong about how I respond. Thanks to twelve years of researching the behavior of teen and tween girls, I know the carnage that will result if they keep feasting on Miley’s example. She has just pioneered the transport of transgressive sexuality into the view of little girls who love her and want to be like her, and I feel like not saying something would be wrong. Let me be honest: I hate this! I could say that “I love Miley” and other countless good things that I have in my heart today, but they will be muted by what I’m about to write. I write it with confidence. While I wish I had their ear to say this privately, I don’t. So, here’s my open letter to Billy Ray and Tish Cyrus.

Dear Billy Ray and Tish:

I was pulling for Miley. I vouched for her when others asked if it was OK to watch. I blogged my encouragement at the tasteful choices made along the way. I gave her room to make mistakes and encouraged forgiveness. After all, I have three kids her age and I know that sometimes despite the best parenting, they make decisions that I wish they didn’t. I know how hard it is to parent, and as far as I can tell you are—in many ways—fantastic parents and a solid family. You deserve congratulations for staying together in this culture. I can’t imagine the pressure your marriage and family bear. You’ve endured it with grace. Maybe that’s why I—and countless other moms—believe in you so much!  I wanted Miley to be The One who would say no to the money-hungry industry that turns perfectly adorable, talented young girls into common sex toys. You—her parents— were my hope. That’s why I’m so utterly shocked at what appears to be the parental approval you placed on Can’t Be Tamed.

From a distance, your daughter seems confused by her role in the recent video. In defense of it, she told Ryan Seacrest that yes, “it is a sexy video…you can’t take that away from it, but it’s not the premise.” She said that she didn’t want to be like every other star and feel like, “oh, I have to stand here and do the sex thing the whole time. That’s not what this is about.” Really? Isn’t the highly sex-charged environment and scantily clad girl dancers the reason she wouldn’t let her boyfriend stay on the set? It wasn’t just her dancers who were over the top. While I posted photos of your daughter in my eblast to parents, I won’t post them here in the event that we have tween visitors. Suffice it to say, they are both sexual and transgressive in nature.

Maybe what is confusing her is your consent. You see, she may be individuating but she’s still looking to you for her direction. (Again, the fact that she looks to you is a testimony to great parenting because how many seventeen-year-olds make that clear to the public?) She said so in her interview as she reasoned that none of this could possibly be too sexual because “my mom’s sitting on set. I’m not going to do anything that I wouldn’t be proud for my family to see.”

Let me tell you why I wish you would have spoken up, Tish! At each of my Secret Keeper Girl events, I’m reminded of how powerful a role model your daughter is to hundreds of thousands of tweens. I’m reminded because they show up in their Hannah Montana shirts. They want to grow up to be just like Miley and when you signed your contract with Disney, you took on that trust. I think you know this. At least, your daughter does. She told Seacrest, “A lot of my fans have grown with me on the show, and I think it’s [referring to the video] the first step to growing up.” A girl doesn’t have to and shouldn’t grow up to be what Miley portrays in Can’t Be Tamed. I’ve been on the front lines of counseling sexually broken teenage girls for twelve years, and they get broken by imitating the behavior they see in videos like this. The media fuels behavior, especially when a face as trusted as your daughter’s is showcased. A 2007 American Psychological Association task force’s report (available at their website) states that music lyrics, Internet content, and sexual clothing are now being marketed to younger and younger girls. The smutty content—while creating no immediate effect—is clearly linked to eating disorders, low self-esteem, and depression when these girls become teenagers. With Miley’s vocal encouragement, I can only imagine that the little girls following her will keep following her. Well, her fans aren’t going to get a $25,000 bustier or millions of dollars in royalties for acting like your daughter did in that video. They’ll be trashed for it! Miley has just placed hundreds of thousands of little girls on a fast track to sexualization, unless their parents pull them off by unplugging them from your daughter’s influence entirely.

Billy Ray, according to Miley you were the father who told her that “if you love to make everyone happy, you’re never going to stop working.” The irony of this is that no one was asking Miley to make “everyone” happy. We were happy when she was making little girls happy, and we didn’t need for her to expand into this conflicting dual role. Miley told Seacrest, “This isn’t anything that’s going to take me away from what people know me as. It’s just a new step. It’s not a new Miley. It’s just part of me.” What is the message to our daughters? That they can be Hannah Montanna—sweet, funny, innocent and age-appropriate—in one setting and Miley Cyrus—sexual, violent and self-pleasuring in another? That’s not a message that I want my daughters to have at the age of 8 or at the age of seventeen! Living a dual life is hypocritical at best, and disastrous at worst. I want a role model for my daughters who is single-minded—knows who she is and consistently acts accordingly—so my daughters can learn to be single-minded, strong-willed women of integrity.

The irony of Miley’s new Can’t Be Tamed video is that Miley is showcased as “a creature so rare.” Really? I think it’s rather common to play the tramp in our culture. What would have been rare would have been to dare to send both our daughters and yours a better message.

It’s not too late. It never is. You still have a platform to speak from and you can still show us that you’re made of what we believe you are made of: character. Harsh as my words may be, I still believe in you. Please prove me right. I know parenting is really tough for those of us watching, and we do it without all the added pressure that you face with the celebrity surrounding Miley. But I think that’s what makes the way you parent so important to the rest of us. We just have to remind you that though anyone can play the sex object in Hollywood, there are the few who have proven that you can walk with character in that pressing industry. Please, parent Miley to be one of them.

With Sincere Sadness,

Dannah Gresh

This Saturday was officially our last show of the season, and what a time we had! Not only did we have a BLAST doing our sweet dance moves and telling our most embarrassing moments, but we also mastered the silly faces and the classic thumbs up. In fact, there was tons of smiling faces striking poses all over the Woodland Heights Baptist Church this weekend - check out all their fantastic faces in the pictures below. As if the flash bulbs didn’t make our eyes water enough, we all got a little misty eyed as Suzy invited a mom with her seven week old daughter on stage to give us an idea of how our mothers will always view their daughters. Thanks for the heartfelt reminder Suzy, and thanks for all the smiles Conway!

Secret Keeper Girl Intern Tryouts Via Skype

Monday, May 25th

Are you a college junior or senior who desires to make a big impact for the Kingdom of God? Consider our Secret Keeper Girl internship. We’re now looking for our fall interns. As an intern, you are discipled by Dannah Gresh to find your true ministry gifting, train to be on stage during our Secret Keeper Girl live events, and manage all the behind-the-scenes details of our tour. It’s a great resume-builder. This unpaid internship, pays off big time in terms of experience and fun! If you’re interested, have great stage skills and want to try out now….email your resume to eileen@purefreedom.org today and clear our your calendar for a 30 minute try-out/interview on Tuesday, May 25th!

Posted by Dannah Gresh, Creator of Secret Keeper Girl  I’m sad that my sixteen-year-old girls had to see Miley Cyrus’ new video—Can’t Be Tamed.

And I wouldn’t show it to girls much younger. Both of my daughters were able to look at it and ascertain that they are officially off the Miley Cyrus fan-wagon, but girls much younger could have a harder time discerning that the pop princess has taken a tumble and soiled her crown. That creates a problem: how does a mom talk to her daughter about Miley’s newest venture? I think I can help with that. Let’s me start today by asking the question: does the video actually do any harm to our daughters? Then, tomorrow I’ll give you some specific ideas of what you can be saying to your little Hannah Montana fans.

Is it harmful?

Research indicates that it harmful in two ways. First, there is clearly a link between early sexual activity and the amount of sexual imagery, music lyrics and boy/girl relationship content that a child sees in their value forming years—typically aged 8-12. The more a child sees during these years, the greater the risk of early sexual activity. I have stacks and stacks of research in my home office from organizations that are trying to figure out why this is. For example, one thing under investigation is the simple possibility that seeing sexual imagery creates a release of hormones in the brain that creates an interest in sexuality. Could it be chemical? Let me be just a little blonde for a moment, and suggest that it could simply be “monkey see…monkey do.” My greatest concern is that our children become desensitized to sexuality and treat it as common and casual, when it is so much more precious (and more powerful) than the media suggests. We can’t, as a culture, expect to continue to introduce our children to sexual imagery at younger and younger ages and not see a detrimental impact on emotional and family health. (And, here’s the rub with Miley. She’s only seventeen herself, and admired by girls as young as six, many of whom will see this video. But even if the girls who she enamours with this video are sixteen like my girls, it’s not behavior you want your daughter to emulate.) As a society, we need to stand together and say, “NO!” I write about this in my upcoming release Six Ways To Keep The Little In your Girl. Let me pull from that:

You don’t have to be a Bible-believing Christian to be concerned about this. From the American Psychological Association to Susan Linn, author of Consuming Kids, those who do not share our conservative Bible-based values are worried. Linn writes, “…I often hear myself beginning conversations about sex in the media and children with the same phrase: ‘I’m not a prude.’ …I feel the need for the disclaimer because, in public dialogue, complaints about the portrayal of sex in the media usually come from political conservatives—often from the religious right. I find that people who come down—as I do—on the side of sexual equality, for instance, and/or a woman’s right to choose, sex education in schools, gay rights, birth control, and the right for school libraries to own The Catcher in the Rye, pride ourselves on being sexually enlightened.” She may be “enlightened,” but she and I are on the same page. Sexy dolls and sexy “role-models” fast-forward the sexualization of girls and we—the far left and the religious right—vote no together. (Now there’s a first!)

The second reason that you should be concerned is that significant research indicates that girls who are exposed to music lyrics, Internet content and picture-perfect beauty icons in their tween years tend to be more likely to struggle with eating disorders, depression and low self-esteem when they are teens. While the impact is not immediate, it comes like a stick of dynamite to blow up everything you’ve attempted to build into your daughter. One day you have a bright little sixth grader, and the next you have a depressed ninth grader with an eating disorder. What they feast on is what they desire to become. But they can’t be the picture perfect, dolled-up Miley. Miley isn’t even that. It’s an illusion.  It’s time to turn the TV off when Hannah Montana comes on, moms. I wish I had better news. I’ve been answering your questions about Miley with softballs these past few years hoping she’d self-correct. She hasn’t and we have to do what’s best for our daughters. They will live without another tween idol gone bad, but they might not live well with her! More tomorrow on what exactly you can say to break the news to your little fan.

Posted by Dannah Gresh, Creator of Secret Keeper GirlI’m about to make history with some radical ideas about how to talk to your daughter. It has a lot to do with a box of Kleenex and not because you’ll be crying, although I imagine there could be some tears over the decisions some moms are making about Miley Cyrus this week. Since I originally wrote the Open Letter to Billy Ray and Tish Cyrus two days ago (which we’ve moved to the top of the blog to make it easier to find), many moms have written in to tell us about their conversations with their daughters. In every case, they had great conversations and made good decisions together. Some of the younger girls decided to throw away their Hannah Montana gear. Some of the older girls watched the video with their mom and had deep conversations about self-worth. The point is this: God gave you this precious girl and he’ll give you the words for your unique family situation. Since some of you have, in the words of one mom who wrote in, “six year olds who are addicted to Miley” and others have teenagers who have “out-grown her,” you each need to approach it differently. But here are some ideas.

• 1.) Watch the video and read the letter with your teenaged daughters. If you’ve been fueling them with the right stuff along the way, they won’t even need the letter to help them think it through. My daughter Lexi, upon seeing the video announced her disappointment. “That’s just stupid!” she said. Look at this as a great opportunity to talk to your daughter about her self-worth. Remind her that playing the tramp doesn’t attract the right kind of interest. Case in point, the advertising community has discovered by way of research that sex does sell, but it doesn’t sell BRAND. For example, if you use sex to sell Kleenex, viewers tend to become more interested in PRODUCT (tissues) but they tend less to remember the BRAND of Kleenex.  In general, when a girl behaves like Miley in public places, she creates interest in PRODUCT (girl) and less memory of BRAND (insert-your-daughters-name-here).
• 2.) Don’t watch the video with your younger daughters, but discuss it. You can say something as simple as this: “Miley decided to make a video that shows too much of her body in ways that I don’t want you to see.” Is that fair? Absolutely! I’m reminded of an old Corrie Ten Boom story. When she was a child, she asked her dad about some weighty subject and he didn’t feel he could give her the details because of her age. He said, “Corrie, you know when we travel on the train?” She said, “Yes.” He said, “When do I give you the ticket?” She said, “Just before we board.” “That’s right,” he answered. “I don’t give it to you earlier because it’s too much responsibility. Some things are better to give you only as you need it, and this is one of them.” I like that. Your 8, 9, 10 year old should not see the video. But she also should probably not be plugged in to the Miley Mania until Miley decides to be a better role model. So, talk to her and trust God to guide you.
• 3.) Be careful with Miley’s heart and name. The goal is not to boycott or vilify her. She is God’s precious creation and, just like us, will make some mistakes along the way. Take this as a teachable moment to point that finger right back at yourselves as mother/daughter. In what areas of your lives are you being careless? Where might there be influences that could cause you to make similar judgement errors? Creating a video like this is really not worse that watching them as a regular course of action. Have you been doing that? Open your own heart and be careful with Miley’s during this tender time, or you may send your daughter the message that if she behaves a certain way she isn’t restorable. She is. And so is Miley.

Let me know how it goes, girls! Please post your ideas here for others. We’re all in this together!

Posted by Melanie Cherland, SKG InternSaturday was a very special day for me at Asbury United Methodist Church in Madison, Alabama because it was the first time my family got to see the Secret Keeper Girl show! They LOVED it! They couldn’t stop talking about what a great time they had and how much they appreciated hearing God’s truth about the importance of inner beauty. They loved that we are gathering signatures to petition the fashion industry and ask for age appropriate clothes for tween girls (see picture of the petition collection bucket below). My mom loved watching the decades fashion show, she lived through a lot of those crazy wardrobe choices herself! My older sister thought the girls clothes were adorable and was excited to learn about the Secret Keeper Girl “secret weapon” (an A-line tanktop, usually found in the boys/mens department to help make tops more modest). Even my dad had a great time listening to some upbeat chick rock and watching moms and daughters bond together.Thanks for showing my family a great time!!

Posted by Melanie Cherland, SKG Intern

The Secret Keeper Girl team rolled into Jackson about a week after the flood waters, not sure what to expect. What we found was a wonderfully wild audience full of moms and daughters, grandmas and granddaughters, cousins, sisters, aunts and nieces all ready to get excited about true beauty! We had our first (that I’m aware of) three generation fashion model night. Grandma and mom rocked out during our decades fashion show (grandma used to be a true blue fashion model and she showed us all how it was done) and daughter brought us up to speed on recent and modest fashion during our girls’ fashion show. Another exciting but rare event happened when the moms showed their girls what competition is all about by winning the mother/daughter helium flyer contest! Lead facilitator, and SKG fiction author Janet Mylin enlightened us all when she talked about the character of the Queen in Snow White who continued to look at the mirror to find her worth and the meaning in life. Janet told us that the place we need to look each day to hear the truth about our beauty is God’s word. She also shared that as a pastor’s kid she thought she could get to heaven through her dad’s faith, but realized in 7th grade that she needed to have her own relationship with Christ. Seven girls in our audience identified with Janet’s story and chose to start their own relationship with Jesus that night!

Posted by Melanie Cherland, SKG Intern This Saturday was a special day at Bethel Temple in Cleburne, TX. It was Suzy’s mom’s birthday!! In honor of her mother and of Mother’s Day just around the corner Suzy donned her “I [heart] mom” shirt for our Secret Keeper Girl show. It was a hit! Another hit was having children’s pastor Rebekah be a part of our decades fashion show! The moment she came out in her poodle skirt and sweater the whole crowd went nuts- thanks Rebekah!There were definitely some special moments for moms and daughters alike. We were able to talk honestly about what the fashion industry is selling to our little girls, and saw first hand how the models we see on billboards and magazines have been completely altered by computers. It was freeing to know that we weren’t supposed to look like some magazine model or like Barbie, The Potter (God) molded us intentionally to be unique and special. A special moment for me was being able to talk to Allison and help her to make God king in her life- NOW SHE’S A PRINCESS!Thanks for such a rockin’ time!!

Posted by Melanie Cherland, SKG Intern

One of the themes at our Secret Keeper Girl show at First Baptist in Odessa this week was photography! The church had the fun idea to set up a “photo booth” for the girls to take pictures in as a keepsake (you can see the goofy pictures Suzy and I took below). We’ve had some of the greatest photographers at our Secret Keeper Girl shows and Odessa was no different. Our photographer Haley took some great photos that you can take a look at at the end of this post.

Everyone had a heartfelt laugh when Suzy encouraged the girls to hold the face of the woman that brought them and tell her that she is beautiful. We also got to have a great time watching 11 girls choose to make God the King of their lives, making them REAL LIVE PRINCESSES! One brand new princess told fellow princess, and our lead facilitator, Suzy Weibel that she wants a big garden in heaven with lots of roses!

Thanks First Baptist Church of Odessa for a great time, and for giving me lots of cookies including one that was as big as my face!!

Posted by Melanie Cherland, SKG Intern

This week I discovered that the “A” in Abilene stands for Awesome Accessories! I saw some of the coolest headbands, bracelets, scarves, and more. It didn’t hurt that the girls wearing these A-wesome A-ccessories were also A-mazing masterpieces created by God. Our Secret Keeper team was happy to add to their collection by giving each girl a friendship bracelet as a gift and a physical reminder that just like that bracelet that are unique and special and that makes them beautiful.

Pioneer Drive Baptist Church was a buzz of activity all night as girls and moms joined together to sing and dance and listen to some important stories. One of those stories was about a young girl in China who needed a forever family and found that home with Bob and Dannah Gresh. While we didn’t ask the audience to adopt anyone on Thursday, we did ask them to consider sponsoring a child through Holt International until that child finds a forever family. One girl was so touched by Autumn Gresh’s story that she gave up a website subscription to pay for the sponsorship! WOW, talk about sacrificing for something you believe in!