Feb 17
Dannah Gresh Has Writer’s Block!
Posted By Dannah Gresh, Creator of Secret Keeper GirlOk, ladies! It’s crunch time. Six Ways To Keep the Little in Your Girl is due March 5th, so it can be ready for you to read by September. I am holed up at home this weekend while the rest of my family goes in various directions. (You’ll find Lexi on stage to lead worship at the SOLD OUT Secret Keeper Girl event in Raleigh, N.C. this Saturday night.) I’m hoping to get through enough good writing hours to earn a two-hour movie break on Friday night, but I need your help. As I work on the chapter about Friendship, I need creative ideas from you. If I use your idea, I’ll also include your name in the book.Just answer these questions as a comment, and …I’ll let my facebook friends know if I earned the movie. (Movie suggestions are also happily suggested.) 1.) How do you insert yourself into your daughter’s friendships? Do you lead Awana? Host an after-school book club? Volunteer at school? 2.) What’s the most creative “friend” event you’ve ever done with your daughter and her friends? 3.) How do you say “no” when your daughter wants to do something or having something that “everyone else” is doing or has?
22 Comments so far
Give us your thoughts
1.) I stay involved in the events that my daughter attends and interact with her friends with interest. Children are not hard to win, they just need to know that you care. I help several of them with homework in a study hall type ministry.
2.) We had a pizza party with them where they all made their own pizzas.
3.) I take the “understanding” approach relating that my friends have and do things that I cannot also. This works well, my daughter rarely pouts about these things.
1) I try to facilitate the relationships I feel will benefit my girls by suggesting activities that might be fun to do as a group and keeping the lines of communication open with those girls and their mothers so they know how much my girls enjoy time with them and that we are always willing to make the effort to meet up at the mall or go catch a new movie, not just the big events.
2) My daughters, 11 and 14, decided to celebrate their birthdays together this year since they would likely invite the same girls and their birthdates are only six weeks apart. We had a RETRO party where everyone dressed up as a teen from their favorite decade. They played charades and had an American Girl movie marathon into the night. (I enjoyed resurrecting my eighties hairstyle for the night - pics on my FB page, Dannah - lol)
3) The best explanation I have for the ‘everyone else’ debate is to remind them that they are MY daughter and that God has entrusted me to make the best decisions I can based on the vision I feel He has given their dad and me for their lives not on the whims and passing fancies of other ‘little girls’ or their parents. We are always willing to listen to their reasoning but when all they have to offer is “but she…” we stop them from wasting their energy; it’s just not going to work. For good, bad or otherwise, they’re stuck with me and my decisions. Trusting Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28, we hope even our mistakes and shortcomings will be used for their betterment if they continue to seek Him.
1. I try to get to know their friends so I know whether to step in and let them know this friend is off limits. I talk to their friends when I see them and ask them questions about their life such as school, sports, etc.
3. We have talked to our twin 16 year old sophmore daughters since they were 8 about “dating, going out” and told them, they are allowed to “court” and go out with groups, not one on one and absolutely no non-Christians.
We have had one particular friend over since they were in 3rd grade and in 8th grade I had a conversation with her mom and she let me know that the “inevitable” was coming and I wanted to know what was “inevitable”? She informed me that the girls would lose their virginity in high school and be around lesbians so she had a “talk” with her daughter that would let her know it was “ok” for her to lose her virginity and experiment with relationships. (Ew, yuck!) I was shocked, sad and so we began stepping up our talking to the girls about choices in high school, such as “dating, going out”.
Before the Christmas break of freshman year, their dear friend lost her virginity and now that they are sophmores, she has the reputation of being a sl*t. When she asks my daughters what she is doing wrong, they tell her she has been sexually active with most of the football and wrestling team and no boy wants that kind of girlfriend.
Thank the Lord, the girls have watched several of their friends (acquaintances) make poor choices and watch their friends jump from relationship to relationship and see the devastation from breaking up and “hooking up” and “oral sex” so they are very careful with how they spend their time and who they hang around with, the books they read and movies they watch!
They also are struggling with the current trends in fashion. We went to the mall Monday and my youngest daughter said she could not believe Hollister wanted $40 for 1/4 of a yard they call “shorts”! I was thankful she knew that they were too short. She said she didn’t want the reputation of being a “hoochie mama”! Thank you, Lord!
I am thankful also that my husband has been a very active participant in their lives. They dote on their dad and he encourages them. I, on the other hand, am the bad guy, but I know that they need their dad right now and believe this makes a huge difference in my daughters’ lives. I love my daughters but they are not mine, they belong to God and we tell them that constantly. They know the Truth and I am not with them most of the time, but I pray that the Holy Spirit with convict them of their sin and that they get caught early and quickly when they stumble.
They are in a Bible Study of Lies Young Women Believe with their high school group and we are preparing to go through 5 Conversations this summer, I am reading the book and plan to get their books and study guides later this spring. They are good girls and beautiful, but they belong to God, I am just training them up!
Thanks so much for your books, I am thankful that you are out there encouraging us in this ugly old world! But I also remember that this is not my home and we are trying to teach the girls to represent Jesus well!
God bless you and your ministry. Enjoy your movie night!
Christine
1.) How do you insert yourself into your daughter’s friendships? Do you lead Awana? Host an after-school book club? Volunteer at school?
~I make it a point to meet all of her friends at some point. If she wants to have a sleepover, I also make sure I meet the parents. Including her friends as family when they visit also helps.
2.) What’s the most creative “friend” event you’ve ever done with your daughter and her friends?
~For her 11th birthday sleepover we did a SPA NIGHT. I used recipes from Ginger Garrett’s “Beauty Secrets of the Bible” for facials & toners. While the girls had their ‘masks’ on, I told them about Queen Esther & her beauty regimen. Mom’s contacted me afterward & wanted more information.
3.) How do you say “no” when your daughter wants to do something or having something that “everyone else” is doing or has?
~I simply explain to her that because we love her so much, we need to set limitations. There are some things that she wanted (Nintendo DS, upgraded cellphone) that we had her save her money for. This way she has a better sense of responsibility. Right now, she wants a Facebook account. We showed her the FB rules and explained that we would not lie just so she could be on Facebook. They may not be the most popular decisions, but she seems to understand them.
1. I volunteer in her class at school as much as possible. I organize playdates where the moms are present and we all interact.
2. I create a summer calendar with weekly playdates for moms and kids together. We hand them out at the beginning of summer and see who shows up each week. I vary the activities so some are free, some are inexpensive and at various locations around time. We do playdates at the zoo, tour candy factories, hike through a park, play at the splash park, or ride bikes to name a few.
3. I always tell my daughter that we make choices based on the fact that we have Jesus in our hearts. We are only responsible for ourselves and cannot be worry about what others do. She is a child of the King so we make choices that honor Him.
Thanks so much for all you do! This is a fabulous ministry! Cristina Wright
Dannah,
First, thanks for all that you do!!!
Friendships: I make it a point to not just know the girls but also the moms. I want to know what other moms are teaching their daughters that might be passed on to my sweet girl. I teach my daughters Sunday School class which gives me great insight into the children her age. This also gives me a peak into how she operates in a group setting which is a great conversation starter.
Friend Event: We have done a couple of tea parties where the girls dress up and my older sons dress up and serve the girls. The little girls really appreciate the good service by the young men.
3. Saying no: We have really worked hard to build a family identity…’no, we are ma’s we don’t do that’, ‘our family does this for this reason’. This has gone a long way in helping my daughter understand the limitations we put on her and her siblings.
Dear Dannah, These are great questions and I’m excited about your new book. Can’t wait for it to come out in September. My husband and I have two daughters 15 and 11 years old.
1)Being involved in our girls lives is something very intentional and takes time. We have an “open home” policy for our girls. We want them to have their friends over. For most of their birthday parties, we have had a “home” party involving lots of slumber parties. What better way to get to know a girl than to spend several hours with them. Once they relax, you will know who they really are. After they are gone, we sit down and talk with our girls about the time they spent with their friends, bringing up any concerns we may have or they might have. Asking questions like, what did you think of when a particular young lady did this, said this, acted like this? How does she influence your thinking? Do you think you are being a role model for her or is she being a role model for you? Open conversation is very important.
For example, our oldest daughter is involved in a youth small group of just girls her age. They are doing a service project this weekend and then we have invited all of them over for a sleepover. Some of the girls we don’t know yet as they are new to the church youth group. Ladies, open up your homes…it’s a great way to teach your daughter hospitality at the same time as getting to know her friends.
2) The most creative “friend” event was for my 14 year old daughters birthday party. She wanted to have some friends over from school and some from church. She wasn’t sure how well the two groups would get along since they didn’t know each other. We decided to let her have two parties. Since most of the girls were into the Nancy Drew computer games, we let her have a “Who-dun-it Mystery Dinner”. One was on Friday night and the other on Saturday night. Our daughter was the main character and hostess of the party. My husband and I were the butler and the maid. Her younger sister helped with the evening as well. Before the evening, each girl received an invitation telling her the name of her character and was asked to dress up like her and come in character to the party. The girls came in to a beautiful sit down dinner, found out about the mystery and then became detectives. Over the course of the evening, they played games and solved the mystery and had a blast doing it. My daughter was so pleased to involve all of her friends in the parties.
3) Saying “no” is never easy. I believe having a close relationship and great communication is very important between you and your daughter when you have to say “no.” We ask our girls to make their requests and then give us time as a couple to discuss it. After discussing, then we can give them an answer. Sitting down with them individually (not when we are in a hurry, eating dinner or doing something that is distracting from our conversation) we can then talk about why we are saying “no”. By doing this, we give them an opportunity to really see where we are coming from (is it a finanical reason, a moral reason, does it conflict with scripture or is it for her own protection). Girls just want to be heard and know you are listening to them. Usually during the course of our conversation, our girls decide for themselves that it isn’t the best thing for them to do and they make the decision to say “No.”
1. I always chaperoned field trips,planned the holiday parties for school, chaperoned retreats with groups of kids from church etc. I am kinda crazy and love to laugh, I love private jokes with certain kids,I have always been known as “Sadie’s cool mom” because I am a kid at heart BUT I have also always been known as the “strict mom”. I genuinely love kids of all ages so I enjoy their personalities. I have found that asking them questions about something they are interested in from sports to movies to books to members of the opposite gender etc.
2. The most creative - make cookies together, eat the dough together, dance around the kitchen to fun music swinging our dish towels, take the girls for mani/peti’s but stay and chat with them rather than dropping off, (We drop off too much in our society,)my kids kind of new that I was always staying with them…so it was ok to a certain age, do the cell phone dance, braid their hair,create a scavenger hunt for them through our backyard or house, a tye-dye party is awesome!!!!!
3. Of course I use “I am not so-in-so’s parent”,but I think the biggest statement that I use is that my most important job is to raise my children the way God would want me to. I have to be obedient to God and protect my children, teach them, and raise them to love Jesus. The other thing I say is “Is there anyway that this action or this outfit could be displeasing to God or offensive to someone coming to know Christ, Any possible way? If there is even the slightest answer to yes we re-evaluate the situation, Is there an element of being unsafe, or putting her in a compromising situation? Sometimes I say that “my gut says NO” and she just has to trust that also. Hope this is helpful Dannah….You met me at Harvey Cedars this summer during Senior High Week
In Christ,
Jamie Plasterer
I’m not the mother of a tween daughter, but I was a tween daughter. The best bonding my mom Debbie Cook and I shared were on my rough days. I was very strong willed and opinionated girl. And although we would go head to head she knew how to soften me to open up about things going on. We called it cinnamon time, without a word to me she knew when to put some cinnamon rolls in the oven. I could smell them from my room and would come down for “just one”. It was her way of saying if I needed to talk she was there, but it was also my choice to open up. I look at it now as the cinnamon rolls were a symbol I would eat my rolls and unravel my feelings. By the time I got to the best part of my cinnamon roll that wonderful gooey center I was singing like a bird about anything and everything. She always knew when I needed that sweet goodness and she always had some on hand. To this day everytime I smell a cinnamon roll baking I have to smile and I know how much my mom loves me.
p.s. We NEVER ate “just one”
Hi. I am just entering the tween years with my oldest daughter. I am both anitcipating these years with excitement and a little nervousness.
1. I try to stay connected to my daughter by being involoved in the things she does. I am her girl scout leader. I volunteer at her school often. My husband coaches her basketball team. We do not work in her areas of our church because God has called us to the youth department but we try to stay connected by checking in with different leaders that work with her and talking to her about GAs and Sunday schools and things she does at church. We also try to attend special events with her.
2. We are in the process of planning a princess diaries slumber party right now. We are having lots of fun planning games, watching the movies for ideas, what kind of t-shirts we are going to make, journals we are going to make, food and things of that nature. I have bought several things and hope to make each girl feel special.
3. We have not really had alot to do in this area yet. We have always been open in explaining why we do not buy items, wear items or do certain things. This daughter is a very logical minded daughter and so we talk through the reasoning of why it is a no. Many times it ties back into things we have already discussed with something we have seen on tv or in a store.
Good Luck with finishing your book!
1. I have taught her class through the years at church in Mpact Girls ministries. Also, have her friends over for after school homework sessions. I also am her Girl Scout leader.
2. I am friends with many of my daughter’s friends mothers. We wanted the girls to learn to apply make-up properly so they wouldn’t wear too much. We did an overnight “make-over party” and taught the girls how to take care of their faces and apply make-up tactfully.
3. When my daughter wants to do something that I don’t want her to do, I usually try to make her “see the light” on her own. I ask her questions like, “Do you feel like this is something you would want to do if your friends weren’t doing it?” I let her know how I feel and usually let her make her own discision. Thankfully, I am blessed with a very mature young lady at 12. She for the most part, makes good choices. Unless, it is something I am totally against and then I just say “no”. She might be mad for a little while but she typically sees why I wouldn’t let her.
As far as going to someone’s house that we don’t know, we have always been very consistent with the rule of not going to another girl’s house that we don’t know their parents but they are more than welcome to come to ours until we get to know the parents. This has been a blessing in the fact that we get to know the girls and their parents before throwing our daughter into an atmosphere that might compromise her faith. This has always been the rule so she doesn’t even fight it.
I try to stay involved with my daughters and their friends even if its out of my comfort zone or sometimes even a bit pricey financially.
I attend the Christian music concerts with my daughters and their friends–even the loud ones like Toby Mac and Skillet. I’ve waited in line in 30 degree weather with my daughters and their friends for six hours for Winter Jam concerts. After concerts I’m willing to hang around and wait for autographs and gives the girls a chance to meet the artists who are their role models.
When we found a Christian music group that my daughters adore and I approve of (PureNRG at the time) we would grab friends and travel for concerts–sometimes many hours. One time we traveled for six hours to be a part of the taping of a PureNRG video in the Nashville area. At the time, this is what my daughters were interested in and rather than some of the other tween crazes in music at the time (Miley Cyrus) I was glad to make sacrifices of my time and money to encourage my daughters to model after other tweens/teens who were singing about God and His Ways.
This seemed to show my daughters that the Christian alternative to music and dancing was just as fun as what the Disney crowd was offering. We even traveled to the Dove Awards once. All of these activities created positive memories that my daughters and I will not forget.
I look for things to do with my daughters and their friends that are sometimes out of the ordinary but things that would interest them and create a memory that is positive so that they clearly see that making positive choices in activities can be great fun.
I also try to open my home to the neighborhood kids and other friends to hang out at my house. That may mean more noise, more snacks I need to provide and more messes in the end but I know it will be worth it.
I will also take my daughter’s and their friends on nearby hikes during any season. In the spring that means mud tracked into to my vehicle and more mud at my house but the mud will clean up; my daughter’s hearts aren’t as easy to clean up if they choose paths in life that bring alot of dirt and hurt.
How do I say no, talk about it, compromise in small ways if I can and come to an agreement.
i dont have to worry about being over involved. my daughter always asks my opinion first. regarding clothes, friends, and life questions. The only thing i have ever done is try my best to live before her in my imperfections and my successes always in the best truth i could. i love her and i love the lord. that seems to keep us connected and making good choices. life is tough and each day we try to be real and love each other the best we can.
I’m not the mother of a tween daughter yet, but my mom was one of the best in the world, so I thought I’d answer with how she did things.
1) She made a point of making our house an open home. My friends could come over at any time and would be welcomed. She chaperoned school trips whenever she could, and always offered my friends rides to dance classes, sports games, etc. Probably the most sneaky was that she made a point of not giving me money in the morning to go to the mall after school - so she’d have to meet my friends and I at the mall to give me money! She was understanding and gracious to all my friends, in fact, they all called her Mom, too
2) We didn’t do too many big events, but my mom, my friends and I regularly got dressed up and danced around the living room together.
3) She was just open about things, explained why not, and, if appropriate, offered an alternative.
1. I love when dances and birthday parties or just sleepovers come up. I will have the girls get ready at our house and we do hair and make up and have our own opinions corner on if what they are wearing will do Lol!. I chose this because Autumn, who is not my biological daughter lost her mother to an overdose at the age of six. She never wore makeup or worried with her hair or her appearance. So when i married her dad, showing her how to become the princess that God designed her to be has been a real joy, and her friends are just as eager to be there for her as well. So its a real bonding time for all of us.
2.Sorry i can’t be to helpful with this one, we have only been in each others lives for a little over 2 years. We ride bike together, and take walks, and we always go to the Bryce Jordan Center for some awesome concerts. I’m looking forward to what the future has to hold for us.
3.Well i have found with Autumn for mom to say no, is one thing, but when i say not only do i say no, but God says no too, and take her to the word and show her scripture that supports why, she is always compliant and understanding. She’s a rare breed of a tween…lol!
oh yeah..by the way…a great movie, did you see “No Greater Love” yet..its awesoem!!
1. I keep involved with my girl’s friendships by always offering to drive and to host events. I make it a point to talk to her friends and get to know them and their parents. We’ve planned events and invited the entire family. This is a great way to see if the family shares your values and standards. Its also a great way to keep communication open between you and your daughter, you now have this shared relationship. My daughter was thrilled that I showed interest in her friend and getting to know her. We homeschool, so I have offered activities and classes at my home to facilitate friendships.
2. Our most creative activity was a “Backyard Cowgirl Cookout/Campout” We set up the tent in the backyard along with a fire pit and the girls roasted hot dogs and marshmallows, and ate birthday cake in the tent. Our plan was to campout, but the weather didn’t cooperate.
3. This falls into 2 categories 1. things that we do not consider appropriate. We tell our daughter that we are accountable to God to set appropriate boundaries for her. Other families may have different ideas of what is appropriate, and that seems unfair sometimes, but we need to make our decisions based on what we feel is right. The key for me is that we don’t just say “no” without an explanation. We want her to understand why we make those decisions so that someday she is able to thoughtfully make those decisions on her own.
2. things that are not appropriate for your age, but may be appropriate later ( make up, movies etc) We tell our daughter not to rush growing up! If you do everything that a teenager gets to do when you are 10…you will have nothing left that is “special” at 16. We set milestones for certain privileges, like wearing make up , or having a cell phone…and turn them into a special event that she will look forward to when it is appropriate.
1.) How do you insert yourself into your daughter’s friendships? Recently I took my 9yo daughter and her friends to Friendly’s for dinner and sat at a table nearby. I was available, but gave her space. She was grateful.
2.) What’s the most creative “friend” event you’ve ever done with your daughter and her friends? Had summer camp at our house with crafting, cooking, etc. We’ve had plenty of themed parties, such as Hula.
3. Saying no. I show her both extremes of what she wants. When she wanted to have a string bikini like the other 8yo girls in the neighborhood, I showed her friends of ours who wear swim dresses (modest) and bikinis. Then I showed her how we fit into the middle and use God’s grace as our definition.
I just wanted to comment that you have a lovely daughter! She was adorable at the SKG event in Raleigh! The whole night was so wonderful for my daughter and me. We did miss you but the cast members were the best! It was an AWESOME night!!!!
Hey SKG is awesome I went with my BFFs and we have bunches of fun. The story about Autumn was so sad but I loved it. I have to know when their going to be in NC again. I thought it was gonna be a corny little baby show. I loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!:) Thanks Dannah!
I think one on one time is key. I have three daughters so it is hard to fit it all in, but you learn so much more about each girl when their sisters aren’t there. Each one has a different personality and I have had to be intentional about allowing everyone to have their turn for input. With those who are more shy or just quiet, they will often let someone else do all the talking and even speak for them.
Being intentional about who you spend time with, what you watch, wear, listen too, and where you go is really our motto. It all goes back to Jesus example and teachings. The Bible is always there for us, I just keep the communication open without being harsh, then we work through everything one step at a time.
Thank you for this very important ministry!
Hi Dannah,
I hope I am not too late with this. I’d prefer not to have my name included. This is just a simple illustration that might help some tween or teen girls with dating. You just draw a girl on a paper with a cross next to her to represent Jesus. Then you show the girl a little ways away on both sides of the girl with Jesus. On the one side you continue to show the girl with Jesus, with a smile on her face at least 3 separate times. At the next stage you show the girl with a guy on the other side of the cross, representing a guy that God brings into her life, with Christ at the center of their relationship.You still show her smiling. Then you show that twice. At the end you show her without the guy again, but she is still smiling and the cross is by her side. Representing the fact that if she allows God to bring the right guy in her life, that even if they like each other and break up, she will still be with Jesus.
On the other side you show her with Jesus only one time. She turns away from Jesus to find a boyfriend. The cross is still in the middle but she has chosen to go her own way. Her smile starts to change. She is alone for 2 stages, by the third picture she has achieved her goal, but is far away from Jesus by now. She is smiling big again, but not quite as big and she has her guy for 2 more pictures. At the end she is by herself again, clear away from the cross and broken hearted.At this point explain that we can chase after a guy because we want to have a boyfriend,etc.,but if we don’t wait on God we could end up 1.Closeness to the Lord is dwindled. especially if we date a non Christian. 2 Broken hearted, because we have had a heart wrenching breakup, which could sometimes end tragically or with even a child out of wedlock in extreme cases.You can add your own points as you see fit. It is more effective if you show the girl going after the guy first and losing her joy, her intimacy with Christ and whatever else you want to say. If you are interested in this illustration, please feel free to use it. I will answer any unclear parts of it.
Lord Bless all!